CONTRADICTIONS

If March was the month of Madness for college basketball, it was the month of contradictions for Mr and Mrs F's Affordable Dream House.  The Finish Carpenter told Mr F that the interior tongue-and-groove for the Great Room ceiling always goes in before the drywall.  But the Drywall Guy said just the opposite:  sheetrock first, then T&G.  The Painter got into the act, stating he wanted to stain the T&G after it was installed, but the Finish Carpenter said, no, first you stain the T&G, then he (Finish Carpenter) installs it, then the drywallers do their thing.  If you don’t pre-stain the T&G before installation, you’ll see white lines all across the ceiling when the wood shrinks—and it will shrink no matter what you do to it; it’s wood. Meanwhile, the Stucco Guy wanted to apply the brown coat before the drywall, but the Finish Carpenter said, no, if you do that, when the Drywallers start pounding nails, your stucco’s going to crack.  Drywall first, then stucco.  The Stucco Guy said, yes, that’s true for the final coat of stucco, but not for the brown coat.  The Finish Carpenter said, nope, brown coat or final coat, either way, all that pounding’s going to crack the stucco. The Stucco Guy said there won’t be any cracking if the Drywallers use screws instead of nails. . .   Mr F called the Drywall Guy and asked if he uses screws or nails.  He said he uses both.  Mr F lowered his voice to sound more manly and assertive and said, “Well, I need you to use screws.”  The Drywall Guy who didn’t have to lower his voice to sound manly and assertive said, “Okay, but it’ll cost you an extra thousand.”   “Nails will be fine,” Mr F squeaked.

By the way, these conversations were occurring separately—not with Mr F, the Drywall Guy, the Painter, the Stucco Guy, and the Finish Carpenter all gathered around the campfire for a friendly little chat. Rather, the Finish Carpenter would give his opinion, then Mr. F would call the Drywaller for his point of view, then he would call the Painter, then the Stucco Guy, then the Butcher, the Baker, the Candlestick Maker.  Time-consuming?  Yes.  Inefficient?  You bet.  The blind dog chasing its own tail?  Absolutely.  But that’s the price you pay when you try to build a house but don’t know the difference between a Phillips and a flat-head.  (For the record, Mr F takes exception to my assessment of his construction expertise.  He says a Philips is a type of screwdriver and a flat-head is a member of a heavy metal band.)  I rest my case.

For the record, everyone agreed that insulation comes before T&G and drywall.